Wednesday, December 16, 2015

When He Brings Me To My Knees

It happens every now and then,  I am in my own world, studying, reading, typing, revising, and counting words for my paper when... WHAM!  I am so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit I fall to my knees with tears streaming down my face.

Even, now, tears flow.  Be careful what you pray for.  He answers.

Holy Spirit, You are welcome hereCome flood this place and fill the atmosphereYour glory, God, is what our hearts long forTo be overcome by Your presence, LordYour presence, Lord
When my heart speaks and words flow that I did not know were there - communion with the Holy Spirit.  Power.  I believe this is what early Friends felt when they were so overcome with the Holy Spirit they shook - quaked in His presence.  It happened often enough to earn them (us) the nickname Quaker.  If what happens to me happened to them, it was not a silent meeting - it was loud and amazing and powerful.

As I go back to writing my final, my own spirit is in a different place now and there is peace surrounding me that I am grateful for.


Monday, September 28, 2015

Senior Night Letter

Here is the letter my DH and I wrote to our daughter for her senior night.  You can read about my experience here
Photo credit: Brenda L.

Dear Daughter, Our feisty firecracker daughter, this is it!  Your first senior night came so quickly.  We thought we were ready but we were wrong.  This year is passing too fast but we plan to hang on and enjoy the ride! 

Photo credit: Brenda L.

You are so good at encouraging others.  Doing the right thing when it is hard – standing up to your friends when you see an injustice – we are proud of you!  Your persistent and determined energy is powerful – trust it.  You do great things; thank you for letting us share them with you.  You are so determined and strong and we are extremely grateful Jesus is Lord of your life. 

Photo credit: Brenda L.

For all the times we “hushed you,” told you to sit still, quit fidgeting, relax, talk quieter, we did not know that you are naturally loud, outgoing, quick, and strong-willed.  We love this about you!  Okay, we usually love this about you.  That strong-willed side has caused all of us to butt-heads more than once.  It is these things that contribute to the uniqueness of your confidence and personality, and we understand that we do not have to understand all of you, in order to love all of you. 

Photo credit: Brenda L.

Daughter, you deserve to succeed.  You have not had the easiest life so far; yet your relationship with Jesus has made you a strong woman of valor; a warrior for Jesus.  While we have had our ups and downs, we support you and are so proud of who you are.  It is okay to make mistakes and we are happy with your choices… usually.  More importantly, we are happy with you.  You never have to do anything more or being anything else but you to be loved.  Please remember that.  You are so loved.   


So here we are, our fourth senior yet this is our first senior night with all this jazz.  How fun and exciting!  Finally, we get to experience a first with you.  We know this pleases you and we are right here with you.  It’s a night marking a milestone for you – you did it!  You hung in there when the going was hard and unpleasant and look at you now - one of the captains of your team!  You rock!  Thanks for letting us be a part of the crazy, fast, adventurous ride that is your life.  We are so proud of you. 
Photo credit: Brenda L.


All our love, besos y abrazos,

Papi and Moma Joy

#seniornight #gfa

Friday, September 25, 2015

Feeling Honored

There is always this uncomfortableness that happens when families collide at events for the child who had no choice in the decisions of their parents; yet they suffer the most.  Last night was "Senior Night" for our daughter.  It is a wonderful thing the team, in this case, volleyball, does to honor the seniors and their parents.  We are not the only blended family at our delightfully small private Christian school, but there aren't many (which is WONDERFUL!!!). 

All that to say, in the past, I have only participated in the senior night at our big public school with our older sons.  It was nice but certainly not the fan fare that it is at our current school.  At the public school, our son had to chose who was going to walk out with him (his mother or me); not both.  Here, we all were included and immediate family was welcome to join us on the court. 

I am always prepared to allow whatever parent recognition there is to go to the biological mom.  I plan for it and am ready for the situation as a step-mom.  The most amazing thing happened last night.  BOTH of us were honored!  We were both given a rose from the team and it was SO special.  It was one of the best times I have experienced with her mom present. 

Today, I just want to shout out that our little school brought this moma joy.  Our daughter did not have to chose between the two of us and we could all be out there supporting the person who keeps our paths crossing. 

#stepmom #honored #seniornight #gfa

Tuesday, August 04, 2015

Deep Places

I have a confession.  I have a thing with sticky notes and yellow highlighters; not used together, though.  I have been in a state of shock as conversations no longer whisper but scream through my yearly meeting.  I have been still before God - waiting.  I have yelled to God - waiting.  I have yelled at God - still waiting.  I am now waiting before God - still. 

This week begins my orientation into the Masters of Quaker Studies through Barclay College.  I am SUPER excited and also thankful that the workload is minimal this week since I am still in two other courses - one being Leadership (enjoyable), the other Economics (not so enjoyable).  Next week I will have all three courses and will continue to take it one day at a time and trust God to work out the details.

I was trying to find a reference for a response I was making to a classmate when I "happened" upon a statement by Brent Bill in his book, "Sacred Compass - The Way of Spiritual Discernment."  Note, this was not highlighted by me or marked in any way.  "Learning to follow the divine compass means stopping and paying attention instead of looking for a magical map with the shortest route highlighted in yellow.  Learning what God wants of us means letting the Holy Spirit guide us into the deep places of our souls.  We learn to look for God in those deep places and in all the places our lives take us" (p. xi). 

Did you see it, the words that leapt off the page at me?  "Learning to follow the divine compass means stopping and paying attention instead of looking for a magical map with the shortest route highlighted in yellow!!!!!" (emphasis mine)

I think I have been looking for the yellow highlighter to appear from God.  Cheesy?  Perhaps, but with all the reading I am doing, after I read chapters, I go back an re-read what I highlighted.  It helps me find something again and honestly, it would be pretty handy for Jesus to just do some highlighting for me on things He wants to come back to and give it another go. 

Have you read the story of Elijah lately?  2 Kings 19, to be exact.
Verse 11 begins: He said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence.
In other translations, sheer silence is translated "still small voice" or "whisper."  The New Revised Standard Version (NRSV) translates is "sheer silence."  When is the last time you heard sheer silence?  We have so much noise in our lives that I cannot remember experiencing sheer silence.  Yet, are we to take from verse 12 that God was in the sheer silence since it does not say he wasn't?  That is how I have applied it to my life - that God is in the still small voice, the whisper, the silence. 

When you re-read all of 2 Kings, though, it's a very sad ending to Elijah's ministry.  He was terrified - running for his life and hiding in a cave.  God asks him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" 

Is God asking you that right now?  Where you are in your life, is He saying, "What are you doing here?"

The Holy Spirit lives within me, my sacred compass.  I know He will not lead me astray or down a wrong path.  Obedience, for me, means allowing Him to be my center.  Reading Scriptures with empty hands and an expectant heart of what is to come.  Taking each step even though the light is only shining on where my feet are, not where I am going to put them.  Trusting.  Letting the Holy Spirit fill all of my deep places (that I don't always want to spend time in) and trust the Light to shine forth.   

#QuakerWomen #Discernment

Friday, May 08, 2015

Mother's Day as a Step-Mom

For the first two years of my marriage, I dreaded Mother's Day.  It was a reminder that whatever I was providing meant nothing when it came to where my children spent the day set aside for celebrating their moms.  I was set aside and the pain was incredibly intense as I spent the day without any of my children with me.

While pregnant, I celebrated a mother's day and could not help but think, "Next year will be different.  I WILL have someone with me to celebrate this day."

And I did and it was.

For those of you who have walked this journey of step-parenting, you already know that the pain in my heart did not cease to exist because I gave birth and had a child with me on mother's day.  I was still missing three of my children, whom I loved so much.  I learned that lesson myself, some lessons are learned best that way, aren't they?

So goes every mother's day for 12 years.  Half of my children are apart from me on the day I so want their love and recognition for who I am in their lives.

I can now see how selfish this line of thinking is.  My children love me.  I know this now.  Perhaps having half of them grown and out on their own has helped me see that love is not reserved for a specific day.  It just is.
This year, 13 years later, I will celebrate mother's day knowing all six of my children love me.  Wherever they are, some celebrating with their mothers or grandmothers, I know they love me.  I do not need them in front of me to have assurance of our relationship anymore.

This year, I celebrate my four children whom I did not birth.  They have stood by my side and watched me screw up horribly as a parent.  If there is a check list for what NOT to do, they experienced me doing it and the pain my mistakes caused.  While I have apologized face-to-face for my mistakes and yes, I would do things differently if I could, I can't and knowing that means moving on and being the kind of parent I want to be today.

I love my children.  I love all six of my children.  I have a different and unique relationship with each one.  My interactions with them all vary to the person they are and our personal relationship.  There are different bonds between us but they are bonds regardless of their variety.

I became a moma in 2002.  I am blessed beyond all measure for the six children I have.  They all call me different names (some not always nice, I know) but they are mine and I love them.

This mother's day, I celebrate ALL women who love and care for our youth.  This journey is pain-filled and people are hurtful and cruel with their thoughtless words; I am so sorry.  I, too, have been on the receiving end of them and it sucks.  You are loved.  You are important.  You are valued.  Never forget that.

#nottheevilstepmom #nothankstoDisney

Thursday, May 07, 2015

Big Mess of Emotions

My daughter is getting on a plane today and flying across the world.  I am so proud of her.  She is stepping up and out and finding her strength in Jesus and I would not want it any other way!

A word of advise - don't ask me how I am today.  Don't ask me if I am almost done with my final project. When it's complete, rest assured I will announce it from my Facebook platform with a megaphone.  Even the nonchalant, "So, how's it going?" could be enough to send me over the edge.

I'll tell you right now... I miss my daughter.  I can't help but have some fears but I am at peace with her trip and know she is in far better hands than my own.  Yes, that says a lot coming from me.  I trust her team leader but more importantly, I trust God.  So, here I am.  Wishing I was there to see her off.  Here I sit, blogging when I have a HUGE final project that I have tons of ideas for but have yet to actually WRITE any of it.  And yes, that stresses me out.  
In fact, there is a high possibility that if you say ANYTHING or DO anything, I might cry.  My emotions are that close to the surface and I hate showing vulnerability like that so, maybe you all should just avoid me today.  And half of tomorrow.  

I will tell you this, though, if tomorrow comes, and I haven't stabbed anyone, this meme speaks my mind:

Your prayers work just as well from over there as they do right here.  You aren't praying TO me, anyway, so go ahead and pray for me, if you want.  It's obvious I could use them.

And for my daughter and her team.  They actually need them more than I do.

Oh, maybe pray for my family, too.  They have to deal with me.

Signing off,
emotionally raw moma

Friday, May 01, 2015

Preparing for the Journey: Cambodia!

I'm thrilled to have a guest writer today - my oldest daughter, Melynda.  Yours truly, Proud Moma

The preparation for the journey is a journey in itself. In preparing for my trip to Cambodia with my college's Juniors Global Program I have experienced many pre-journey joys and jitters. Now, I don’t know where to begin articulating the whirlwind of emotions that I feel before leaving in LESS THAN A WEEK!!!!!! So we will start with some pre-journey jitters.  

There have been a few times during the last few months that I have asked God what He was up to. I would get frustrated and scared and anxious. I had initially applied for a trip to Kenya and was shocked and a bit unsettled when the Juniors Global committee selected me for the Cambodia team. I had wanted to go to Africa since I was a child, how could that not be the trip that God wanted me on? Apparently, God had given the committee a different message and after many hours of prayer and seeking my mother’s counsel, I was able to see and accept God’s calling. I later had trouble finding and then later ordering a copy of my birth certificate to apply for my passport. Then, my passport was taking an extremely long time to come which was putting off the purchase of our tickets. Another pre-journey “jitter” was my faith. I have been feeling a bit numb to the presence of God lately. Now, I know that I love the Lord and that he loves me but I noticed that I have not done a good job investing in that relationship with Him. Knowing this about myself made me question if I should go on this trip. Am I going for the right reasons? Are my intentions honorable and in the right place? Will I do any good? Am I going for the Cambodians or am I going for myself? I do not have the answers to these questions right now, and I think that is okay, because God has continued to give me a peace about going on this trip and subtly confirms this immediate calling on my life. This leads me into my pre-journey joys. 

Now, one of my pre-journey joys thus far is that I have been more intentional in seeking out the Lord and His will for this trip. I have spent time with Him in conversation about my expectations for this trip and how He will use it in my life. God has made it clear to me that I will be changed when I return from this trip. The scary thing is that I do not know how that change will look or manifest itself in my life. The thought of this change is equally exciting, scary, and intimidating, all at once. Other pre-journey joys are the resolution of my previously stated pre-journey jitters. All of those little obstacles that arose and made me question this calling, have not only been resolved but they have turned into a confirmation of the calling. In my prayer time over this trip I have had a growing excitement- knowing that this trip will be an amazing adventure. 

My prayer for this trip is that this will be a turning point in my life. I pray that I will be able to re-ignite the fire inside of me that burns for the Lord. I want to come back refined and changed. I want a renewed passion- I crave to be so close to God that others can’t help but to be drawn to Him when they are around me. I know that I am going to be exposed to things that I have never experienced before and I know that there will be hard days. I also know that no matter what happens on this trip- God will be my support through it all and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me in Cambodia.  
With Love,